Some poor stock boy remembered seeing something fitting the description of what I was looking for in some random corner of a back room. He brought it to me, having NO idea what it was, what it cost, or how it worked; just a pseudo-burlap, plastic lined sack with some ingredients in an attached plastic bag. Nice.
My Dad has a pretty good sense of humor, and I like to think I do as well so I set about writing a set of instructions. I had no idea how this worked but I knew enough about the beer-brewing process to be a smart ass. I was recently reminded by someone of these "instructions" and after reading them for the first time in YEARS, I thought it was worthy of a light-hearted Blog entry. So, enjoy. By the way, step two is much easier...
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Instructions For Brewing Your Own Beer.
Please read carefully
Congratulations on the purchase of your very own beer making sack thingy. Your Sack O' Beer™ should provide you and your neighbors and your family with minutes and minutes of exciting home brewing fun. While most brewers will tell you that there is only one way to brew beer (their way, of course), we are here to tell you that any way is okay by us. Actually there are two procedures by which you can enjoy beer in your very own home. These procedures are explained below. Please read them carefully.
METHOD 1:
Unfold your sack and place it on a flat surface that is free from clutter. Smooth the wrinkles from your sack and clear any loose fibers as well. Locate the RED cap. If you do not see the RED cap, but instead see nothing but sack, turn over the damn sack!! Now do you see it? Good. Carefully remove the aforementioned RED cap and place it somewhere out of the way for now. The garbage or your pockets are NOT good choices for storage at this time. Locate a source of water (i.e. a sink, a hose, a fire hydrant, a well, a toilet, an octogenarian, a female watching Ghost, etc) and proceed to fill your sack. Fill your sack until it is, I don't know, about two-thirds full. Remember that cap? Go and find it. Put it back in your sack. NO! Not There! Put it in the sack that you pulled it out of. Firmly press the cap back into place in your sack. Now gently shake the bag to mix the contents. Remember, SHAKEN, not STIRRED. Once the contents of your sack have been thoroughly mixed, find a nice quiet, dark place to store your sack while whatever the hell we put in there has time to spoil, er ah, ferment. Your sack should left alone, all by itself, in solitary confinement, exiled, bereft of contact, shunned, etc for about 45 days. After which point you can pour the liquid out of your sack and get snockered. Enjoy and thank you for your money.
METHOD 2:
Locate and gather together the following items:
Please read carefully
Congratulations on the purchase of your very own beer making sack thingy. Your Sack O' Beer™ should provide you and your neighbors and your family with minutes and minutes of exciting home brewing fun. While most brewers will tell you that there is only one way to brew beer (their way, of course), we are here to tell you that any way is okay by us. Actually there are two procedures by which you can enjoy beer in your very own home. These procedures are explained below. Please read them carefully.
METHOD 1:
Unfold your sack and place it on a flat surface that is free from clutter. Smooth the wrinkles from your sack and clear any loose fibers as well. Locate the RED cap. If you do not see the RED cap, but instead see nothing but sack, turn over the damn sack!! Now do you see it? Good. Carefully remove the aforementioned RED cap and place it somewhere out of the way for now. The garbage or your pockets are NOT good choices for storage at this time. Locate a source of water (i.e. a sink, a hose, a fire hydrant, a well, a toilet, an octogenarian, a female watching Ghost, etc) and proceed to fill your sack. Fill your sack until it is, I don't know, about two-thirds full. Remember that cap? Go and find it. Put it back in your sack. NO! Not There! Put it in the sack that you pulled it out of. Firmly press the cap back into place in your sack. Now gently shake the bag to mix the contents. Remember, SHAKEN, not STIRRED. Once the contents of your sack have been thoroughly mixed, find a nice quiet, dark place to store your sack while whatever the hell we put in there has time to spoil, er ah, ferment. Your sack should left alone, all by itself, in solitary confinement, exiled, bereft of contact, shunned, etc for about 45 days. After which point you can pour the liquid out of your sack and get snockered. Enjoy and thank you for your money.
METHOD 2:
Locate and gather together the following items:
Your Wallet
Your money (or checkbook, or credit cards. Whatever your use for currency)
Your Keys
Your Car
Your Ass
Take all the above-mentioned items to the Tom Thumb and buy some beer that your stupid ass can drink now instead of having to wait a damn month-and-a-half from now to drink. Again, enjoy and thank you for giving us your money.
Your money (or checkbook, or credit cards. Whatever your use for currency)
Your Keys
Your Car
Your Ass
Take all the above-mentioned items to the Tom Thumb and buy some beer that your stupid ass can drink now instead of having to wait a damn month-and-a-half from now to drink. Again, enjoy and thank you for giving us your money.
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It was the most God awful stuff that has ever passed my lips. Ever since, he's gotten either a bottle of Scotch or a Cabelos Gift Card. Never again...
This was the funniest Christmas gifts you have ever done. That was a great Christmas day. I know Bill loved the Instructions more than anything. I guess I did a good job reminding you.You have an incredible sense of humor.
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