A couple of weeks ago, my Soon-To-Be Ex and I had an appointment with a Mediator to iron out how we would deal with separating out our finances; credit card debt, alimony, the house, etc. We pretty much have had no issues in figuring out little stuff like who gets the toaster or the Disney Collectibles or any of the other possessions. It was the BIG stuff that needed to be sorted out.
In Florida, property is considered communal from the date of marriage, regardless of the actual financial contribution of either person. If we had bought the house and the day we moved in, I quit my job and never paid a single penny towards anything, in the eyes of the State, I would entitled to half. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but from my understanding, that's basically the way it works. Even though she and I were together when the house was purchased and we had been living together for 3 years, we were not married and so my name is the name on the deed/mortgage. We were not married until 5 months later. But we have both lived in the house together for the same amount of time (9 years now).
We had discussed expenses and our current debt level just to make sure we had a good idea of what was coming in every month and what was going out. There was no arguments regarding the two vehicles; she keeps her car, I keep my truck. She said she intended to let me keep the house and she would also take all four dogs. I would keep the cat.
After a few minutes with the mediator (we were still in the same room at this point), she caught me with an unseen "right hook". She had calculated all of the improvements that we have made (new windows, new roof, new carpet, the money she used to pay the closing costs), divided that in half and said she wanted a lump sum and she would waive any claim to house now or in the future. I never saw this whole lump sum thing coming. Where was I going to get that amount of money? Holy crap.
The mediator immediately saw that I wasn't expecting that and moved me to a separate room. We haggled back and forth for the next hour or so and finally came to an agreement. I would take the lion's share of the debt, give her $X amount of money, she'd take some of the debt and the house would be mine. But until I paid her, she would remain in the house, which makes sense to an extent. Buying/renting takes money and until she could afford it, she needed somewhere to live. Not the most "comfortable" situation, but I can live with it as long as I know as soon as I can get the financing thing worked out, she'll get her own place.
I do not want her to be destitute. I do not want to screw her over and leave her with nothing. I have been trying to figure out how to get this done in best way I can so as to not leave both of us in financial ruin. Even the mediator commented to me that she was pretty amazed by the lengths I was willing to go to and at how "fair" I was being in trying to ensure that the Ex would be in as good of a position as possible. The downside to this is that it has drug out the process much longer than I would've preferred. There have been other casualties in this but I am the one who has to live with that. I couldn't let myself destroy someone's financial well being AND the life they thought was the way it would be forever. Haven't I done enough damage to another person already? In getting this divorce, I've turned someone's life upside down. Call me weird but I think the least I can do is go out of my way to mitigate the accompanying circumstances. Maybe I was cursed with a conscious.
Now that the money thing is sorted, I am able to finally get the paperwork filed. That in and of itself is huge weight off of my shoulders. Her 40th birthday was this past week and I thought it best to not bring up anything for a few days but we will finish things in next day or so and then file.
I have been fortunate to have friends who have been very helpful and supportive. Sadly, I have also lost some people who were very important to me in this whole mess and that has been harder for me than anything else I think. I'll get to the other side of things and then everything will be fine.
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