I've been sorely in need of a good laugh and a smile recently. On a messageboard I frequent, some eFriends have posted some jokes, some of which have had me rolling on the floor. So, in an effort spread some chuckles around, I will repost them here, with proper credit given of course.
Jack Ass:
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor ? Make me one with everything.
High_Heel_Lover:
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: Change your course 10 degree east.
The light signals back: Change yours, 10 degrees west.
Angry, the captain sends: I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!
I'm a seaman, second class, comes the reply. Change your course, sir.
Now the captain is furious. I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!
There is one last reply. I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
The_Scranus:
The Dali Lama was opening gifts on his birthday. When he got to the last box, he lifted the lid and found that it was empty. He looked up and said, "Nothing. Just what I always wanted!"
ermghoti:
A woman puts off going to the dentist due to a childhood fear of having her teeth worked on. finally, a pain in her molars is so severe she can't put it off any longer. The dentist gives her mouth a quick look, grimaces, and says, "you should have come here months ago, you're going to need a root canal." She wails, "a root canal? God, I'd rather be anally raped than have a root canal!"
The dentist replies "well, make up your mind, I'll need to adjust the chair."
MuckThatGuy:
What are Mario's over-alls made of? DenimDenimDenim
tymbrwlf (me):
Outside of a dog, Man's best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Puzzleface:
This blond lady has been concentrating on finishing a jigsaw puzzle for the better part of 3 hours. She is not making any progress and it is frustrating the hell out of her. She decides to call her boyfriend.
"Could you come over and help me out with this puzzle?" she asked.
"Well what is the puzzle supposed to be a picture of?" the boyfriend asked in return?
"A rooster." replied the blond.
The boyfriend, kind of frustrated by the way this conversation, says "Just start with the edge pieces and once you have the outer edge finished just work on the middle".
"I have been trying to do that for the last three hours" The blond say impatiently. "Just come over and help me with this".
So the boyfriend drives over and walks into the home of the blond lady. He looks over her shoulder at the puzzle and starts to chuckle.
"What's so funny?" asked the blond.
"Nothing" said the boyfriend. "Why don't we go sit down and have a drink and when we are done I'll help you get all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
KSangel:
Whats the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before getting on a trampoline.
td:
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes?
Heath Ledger jokes will get old.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over
Jack Ass:
So, a baby seal walks into a bar.
The barternder says, "What can I get for 'ya"
He replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club"!
Philo Bedo:
Do you know what the difference between a Catholic School girl and a bowling ball is?
You can only get 3 fingers inside of a bowling-ball.
MuckThatGuy:
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
Swerd:
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!
Killer Ninjas:
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Zero. Pffft, like a group of feminists have ever changed anything.
Q: How many linguists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Define 'change'.
Q: How many riot grrrls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to screech loudly about how the lightbulb is perfectly fine the way it is.
Little Fairy
An accounting major, an engineering major and a liberal arts major are all applying for a job. They're given a problem and they are only allowed to ask one question. The accounting major asks how much it will cost. The engineering major asks how it was constructed. The liberal arts major asks if they'd like fries with it.
High_Heel_Lover:
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
Lawndarts:
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
5: one to change the light bulb, four to watch and say they could have done it better.
How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How can you tell the stage is level?
Drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
A man in a hot air balloon shouted down to the man on the street below him, "Please, can you tell me where I am?"
The man on the street responded, "You're approximately 20 feet above me, in a hot air balloon."
The man in the balloon called back, "You must be an engineer.".
"I am", responded the man on the street. "How did you know?"
"Because, though everything you told me was true", replied the man in the balloon, "it hasn't helped me at all."
The man on the street shouted back,"You must be a manager."
"I am", responded the man in the balloon. "How did you know?"
"Because, though you got yourself into the predicament you're in, and have no idea where you are or where you're going, now it's my fault."
dyslexics untie!
Dr. Colossus:
What does a woman do after she gets back from a battered women's shelter?
THE FUCKIN' DISHES IF SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HER!!!!!
AgentA:
Why can you be assured that Ethiopians give good head?
You KNOW they'll swallow.
DanElecktro
What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead trombone player in the middle of the road?
The snake was on his way to a gig.
A band is on stage, having the gig of their lives. The room is packed and the crowd is going crazy. At the back of the venue, they can see their agent waving a contract in the air and drinking a toast with the A&R guy from a major label. They have MAED IT. The singer thinks, "This is fucking great! I'm gonna be famous! I'm gonna do that girl and that girl and that girl and I'm gonna make movies and I'm gonna be on the cover of Rolling Stone! This is awesome!" "Finally!" thinks the guitarist. "All those assholes at Guitar Center can eat my shit! They were just jealous, and now I have proof -- I'm going to have my own signature model, and they're going to put posters of me up on THEIR walls! This is awesome! "The drummer thinks, "It's about time! All those crappy venues, all this time and money invested, all those rehearsals with these primadonnas -- it's finally paid off. We're going to have roadies and everything now. This is awesome!" The bassist thinks, "G, A, D, A, G, A, D, A..."
"It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years." -- Tom Lehrer
Lawndarts:
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
He forgot his safe word.
Killer Ninjas:
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her.
Jack Ass
So a termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
tymbrwlf (me):
A local newspaper was having a joke contest and solicited submissions from the public. A young man who considered himself an aspiring comedic talent submitted, what he thought, were ten examples of his very finest material. Several weeks later, the winners were announced and when the man's mother asked if any of his jokes had won, he frowned and simply said "No pun in ten did..."
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a midget with a wombat on his shoulder walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? A fucking joke?"
MuckThatGuy:
A guy walks into a psychiatrists office wrapped in shrink wrap and the doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"
ermghoti:
A guy is in his backyard, doing a little tidying up, when he hears a sniffling sound across the fence. He looks over, and sees his neighbor's five-year-old daughter, eyes watering, with a shovel, patting over a freshly-turned patch of dirt, about the size of a kitchen sink.
He asks, "what ever is going on?"
She replies, "I'm burying my poor hamster!"
He replies, "oh, I'm sorry." Then. looking at the the disproportionate chunk of dug-up lawn, he adds "isn't that an awfully big grave for a hamster?"
She looks up, and growls "he's inside your fucking cat!"
Little Fairy:
During a wedding a young daughter asks her mother, "Why does the bride wear white?"
The mother responds, "White is the color of happiness. Today is the happiest day of the bride's life."
The daughter thinks about it for a few minutes and then asks, "Why is the groom wearing black?"
ermghoti:
At the wedding, the groom was strutting around, a wide smile on his face. Finally, the best man asked why he was so delighted. He replied "I got the best blow job of my life last night!"
Meanwhile, the bride could also be seen beaming brightly. When queried by the maid of honor, she said "I gave the last blow job of my life last night!"
Killer Ninjas:
Q: Why do the women wear makeup and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.
Q: What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes?
A: A pilot, you fucking racist
Little Fairy:
Q: Why didn't Hitler drink gin?
A: Because it made him mean.
Jack Ass:
Know why elephants don't play poker in the Serengeti?
Because of all the cheetahs.
Kick Asstley:
Q: What did Michael J. Fox have a McDonald's?
A: Parkinson's
hi friend...a good laugh for sure. Good for the soul!
ReplyDeleteI posted this earlier on My Spaze but I think it fits great right here....
ReplyDeleteA dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Luv U Lil Brother =)
*muah XOXOXOXO
I think a smile is contagous, so here have one of mine
ReplyDelete:-)~~