Baby Steps

I'm not used to putting my life into words. I've never been a journal/diary keeper. In fact, I'm pretty bad about keeping my thoughts and feelings inside and not expressing them to anyone; even if to only to put them in writing for only myself to see. I've come to the conclusion that this is not a very healthy practice. Internalizing everything seems to have the effect of turning me into a very dour person. There are lots of things changing in my life right now and I've allowed myself to become somewhat moody. Not bipolar moody, but just a little prone to feeling down about things. Perhaps working at putting my thoughts into written form will be therapeutic.



The fact is that depression does run in my family (on my Mother's side). My Grandfather has always been a very "down" man. It became a LOT worse when my Grandmother died unexpectedly 4 years ago. They had been married for (I believe) nearly 70 years, if not more. He doesn't know a life without my Grandmother and now he's all alone in a house on a hilltop in West Virginia. My Mother struggles with depression. As far as I know, she's never had any episodes but if she has, she's done a good job of concealing it. I find myself sometimes feeling overwhelmed and teetering on the edge. So far, I've managed to back away from the precipice.

The worst was when I was 20 and living in Gainesville, Florida. I was in college and very depressed over an ex-girlfriend whom I had hurt very badly. In my desire to make things right, she ended up being the one who hurt me and I nearly took my life with a well-placed shotgun blast to the back of my throat. Fortunately, my roommates came home before I could. It was a very dark time in my life and it took me a long time to climb out of that hole. I swore that I would never let myself sink that low again. No matter how bad things seem to be, everything can be fixed and suicide only solves the problems that you perceive yourself to have but in fact, it creates many more problems for the other people in your life that you have left behind with your final act of selfishness.

Despite all of the flux in my life right now, I have managed to find some things that fill me with unrestrained happiness. I cannot allow myself to lose those things by letting myself slip into negativity. I have every reason to feel that my life is the best life anyone could ask for. Because it is.

For that, I am very thankful.